Real Life

Hunting the Heart-gasm

It has been a rough year. This cannot be denied. Tired is the new awake. I have been stripped down to the core until there is nothing left but me, stripped of even my body, the familiar layers whittled away until I don’t even recognize myself. But I have learned many things.

I have learned who can be with me while I sit crying hunched over on the 1970’s mustard-gold linoleum of the borrowed kitchen. I have learned who can be with me when my heart is broken into such a chasm that I cannot see the possibility for it to ever again be whole. I have learned the ways that I compromise myself for others–and others and others–and I have learned how to no longer do this or at least be aware when I am. I have learned that I can sleep most anywhere, that I can be at home pretty much anywhere, just give me five minutes and a cup of PG Tips and I’ll be alright. In fact, that goes for most any situation.

I have learned that I no longer know when I am hungry and I simply must remember to eat. I have learned there comes a time when coffee will no longer keep me awake and I simply must give in and sleep and sleep and sleep no matter what is on my docket. I have learned that when it counts, I can hold my shit together. And that in actuality, I am already wearing my big-girl panties. I have learned that some days I have trouble having compassion. I have learned that I have phenomenal friends. Really fucking fantastic people that I would not have survived without.

I have learned that for whatever reason I have messy taste in men, that I can (and do) pick amazing friends but I do not pick amazing partners. I have learned how much I hate secrets and shame and strategizing as a way of life. I have learned that I need to be open and honest which means that I have to live in integrity every single day. And that sometimes I’ll fuck up. I have learned that sometimes it is okay to have a milkshake for dinner. Or to go out for ice cream then eat an entire pint more at home. (But that it actually doesn’t make me feel better next day.)

I have learned that it is truly only my opinion that counts because I am the one who has to live in this head and this heart. I have learned that my habit is to go outside to other people and try to get the answers when truly I must listen inward and hear what I don’t necessarily want to hear.

I have learned that no matter how thin I get I will still have issues with my body so now I’m learning to love it, because it is me, the physical manifestation of my being. I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin and what a gift and freedom it is. Oh, and that that heart-chasm can indeed be healed.

Now I want to learn more. So I am hunting the heart-gasm…joy so rapturous and life so authentic that my heart literally cries out with pleasure. As Rumi says: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

2 Comments on “Hunting the Heart-gasm

  1. As always, my Friend, you have me hanging on your every word. Do you listen to Mary J. Blige? It might be good comfort food for you. Start from the beginning and work your way up. Much love.

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